I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
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You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
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Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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