i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
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It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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