can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
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so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
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Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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