Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
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I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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