why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
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I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
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He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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