I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
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Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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