Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
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We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
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I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
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