Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
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He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
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I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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