I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
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All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
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HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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