when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
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We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
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My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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