I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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