You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
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Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
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Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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