Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
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My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
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Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize