I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
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I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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