I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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