The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
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so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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