awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize