I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
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Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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