i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
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I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
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Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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