I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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