I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize