she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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