He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
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I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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