can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
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I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
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You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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