i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
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My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
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"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
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