One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
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I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
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Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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