mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
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So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
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Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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