She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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