nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
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I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
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I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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