dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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