Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
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i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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