Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
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Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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