I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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