tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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