Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
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they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
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So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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