I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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