Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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