he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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