Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
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If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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