I faked an abortion last night.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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