you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
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Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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