I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
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I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
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You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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