hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
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And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
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Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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