Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
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youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
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I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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