M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize