How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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