cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
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Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
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That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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