Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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