U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
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the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
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i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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