you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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